What Spirituality Means to Me
From time to time I think about religion and spirituality, and whether my lack of any consistent religious practice is the reason for negativity in my life or when things go wrong. I see people who engage in religious practice (going to church, prayer) and they seem to be (at least from the outside looking in) happier and at peace. But adhering to religious practice has always been a struggle for me.
I went on my first (and so far only) camping trip as a member of a church youth group in the seventh grade. It was a fun trip; we rode horses (scary!), hiked (exhausting!) and slept in a trailer (interesting). I joined the youth group as a way to have something to do on the weekends. On Saturdays we would meet to have bible lessons and choir practice; and on Sundays we attended church. Unfortunately, I attended the youth group for only about six months, because it was too much of a hassle for my mom to drive across town to drop me off and pick me up every weekend. Before joining the youth group, I rarely attended church; I only really remember going once on Easter Sunday when I was about eight.
As I aged into my later teen years, hormones, boys, and friends helped to slowly fade out the biblical teachings I learned in youth group. In the last ten years, I have attempted at various times to commit to a traditional religious life, perform religion if you will. During my junior year of college, I briefly attended a campus bible study group. The first meeting I attended the leader saw through me and into my deepest and hidden fears; I thought I had finally found a spiritual home where I could grow into a woman of god. Performing a religious life was hard for me to do on campus; there were just so many temptations that I eventually stopped trying to avoid. I wanted to have a fun, party filled life of a college student and young adult; not trade Arbor Mist (don’t judge me) for water and juice, and Thirsty Thursdays for bible study (ok, I only went to 2 of these during college, but I wanted to have the option of going and not feeling bad about it). Also, many of the teachings conveyed in the church services I attended didn’t resonate with me, and some outright made me angry; ultimately I figured out that I just couldn’t believe in what I was hearing (particularly about homosexuality and that non-Christians were going to hell), it went against my values.
At 30, I’m pretty comfortable about where I am spiritually, identifying as an agnostic who still leans towards Christianity. According to much research, millennials are less religious than previous generations, except that Black millennials are still more religious and steadily attend church more than other groups. That’s not surprising, as the Black church has often functioned as more than a place to hear a sermon; churches have historically anchored our communities, provided services and support. There are still times where I want to attend church and be in community with others, but it would have to be a church that fits my values, not me trying to fit into a church’s values and beliefs. When I need to hear someone preach the word of God, I just turn on gospel music, which really provides the spiritual feeling I need. And when I say gospel, I just don’t mean the traditional choirs; for me, gospel music includes inspirational songs like Make It Happen by Mariah Carey, Hold On (Change is Comin’) by the Sounds of Blackness, How Great by Chance the Rapper and Ultralight Beam by Kanye West. On a side note, I really appreciate these spiritual songs by rappers like Chance and Kanye; I hope more rappers write more explicitly about their spirituality.
When I’m feeling down and need a pick me up, it’s gospel that I turn to; the word of god ministered through artists, that make me better, loved, and protected. I’m gon’ praise him, praise him till I’m gone…..(From Blessings by Chance the Rapper).